Jesus, I (Sometimes) Trust in You

Jesus, I (Sometimes) Trust in You

We’ve all seen that billboard while driving on the highway. That picture of Jesus with two rays coming from His heart and the words “Jesus, I trust in you.”  Millions have seen this image, but the significance and beauty of it is often missed. My love for the image of Divine Mercy has grown tremendously over the last year.

About a year ago, while in prayer, the Holy Spirit revealed a deep wound in my heart of distrust.  It had been a couple years since the source of the problem, and life went on.  I thought I was completely over it and Jesus and I were solid! But God revealed that all I had done was brush it under the rug, out of sight, out of mind, and there was some healing that needed to take place in our relationship.

All of a sudden I had an overwhelming awareness of the hurt, and I HATED it. If I heard “When God says He’s going to do something, He does it. He follows through on His promises,” my mind would respond with “Not necessarily.” The sentence “God provides” would be finished in my mind with “but only sometimes”.  Any Bible verses along these lines were heard with this same doubt and negativity.  I hated that I didn’t trust Him.  I hated the hurt. I hated my skepticism.  I hated that I couldn’t just shut it off and brush it under the rug again, and that Jesus was asking me to embrace it. For months I begged Jesus to heal the wound, to help me grow in trusting Him, to restore my faith.  For months, nothing changed.

I knew He didn’t want me believing these lies and that He wanted me to trust Him wholeheartedly.  I asked Jesus why He wouldn’t just heal my heart already.  The response I got was, “Just stay with me.” Jesus was asking me not to run away from it, not to run away from Him.  He knew how hard it was for me to remain in the wound, to be patient, and to be still.  Another month passed, and it was in that desperation that He led me to the book “33 Days to Merciful Love” by Fr. Michael Gaitley.  It’s a “do-it-yourself” retreat in preparation for Consecration to Divine Mercy. In short, Fr. Gaitley describes a consecration to Divine Mercy as a self-offering to God (a setting apart of oneself for God) for the specific purpose of glorifying God’s mercy. I thought, “What better way to combat distrust head on than by consecrating myself to Divine Mercy, with the signature phrase ‘Jesus, I trust in you’. This has to work! Right?”

In this book I learned that we all have a trust problem (to one degree or another) as a result of original sin.  We doubt God’s goodness and trustworthiness, and that’s why we sin. It discussed Abraham’s and Mary’s examples of faith, how they “hoped against hope”, believed God was faithful even when it seemed impossible, and how God uses Mary to heal our wounds of distrust in God.  I learned how St. Therese of Lisieux’s “little way” teaches us that the more broken and imperfect our humanity is, the more God wants to flood us with His ocean of mercy, if only we open our hearts to receive it.  It actually pains Jesus when people don’t want to receive His grace and mercy.

This book led not only to healing my heart, but giving me a deeper love and trust in God than I have ever known before!  It taught me to truly live and trust God in the present.  You see, I’m a planner, and being with Jesus in the present has always been hard for me.  But this deeper trust has allowed me to be okay letting go of control, knowing that God will take care of everything perfectly.  Doubt may try to creep in here and there, but I can always go back to the lessons of “33 Days to Merciful Love”: Hope against hope. Keep trusting and keep trying. Jesus, I trust in you.

Sometimes God asks us to walk through the fire and wait out the storm. Sometimes God lets the wound remain. But it is only because He wants to lead us to something greater and into a deeper relationship with Him.  So, if you find yourself in a place of hurt, lacking faith, lacking trust, or really just about any other circumstance you could find yourself in, I could not recommend enough consecrating yourself to Divine Mercy.  Read up on Divine Mercy, read “33 Days to Merciful Love”, or watch documentaries on Formed.org.  His Divine Mercy is truly an incredible gift that God has given us!  And one that I pray each of you encounter in a very personal way.

St. Faustina, St. Therese of Lisieux, and St. John Paul the Great, pray for us.

Divine Mercy, have mercy on us. Jesus, I trust in you. 

 




  Written by: Kristin Vankat, YCP Omaha Assistant Director of Finance and Parish Ambassador